behind the scenesΒ· Β·4 min read

2020 [[2021]] 2022

2021 compared to 2020, plus 2022 intentions.

2020 [[2021]] 2022

Hi, thank you for supporting the Sonya Supposedly enterprise. I appreciate it more than I can say! Here is my perhaps obnoxiously contextualized yearly review for 2021.

It's 2022, what should I keep bothering with? I ask myself, "If you were starting from scratch with what you have today, what would you do?" Dumb question, because starting from scratch = not having one's current resources and dependencies. Still, it's a reframing trick that works on me. Dumb can be effective.

The more fleshed-out version of the exercise is making three lists: 1) things to keep doing, 2) things to stop doing, and 3) new things to try. This is the lazy version, where I gaze into the black lagoon of my subconscious and hope something surfaces. Works well, because usually the swamp beasties are so fed up that they're ready to talk my ear off. Inner ear. No, not that one... more of a figurative inner ear. Anyway.

If I were to "start from scratch" I would...

  • ...keep writing Wanderverse stories, plus more commissions in the setting. (You may not have clocked it, but November happy mail included a Wanderverse collab!! However I haven't published it online yet πŸ˜“)
  • I would keep writing Ideograph to highlight thinkers and creators in my social ecosystem, plus my own creations and random commentary. It's been nice having a flexible outlet for those purposes.
  • What to do about / with Sonya Supposedly membership, AKA monthly happy mail, the main perk that you pay for β€” here I keep dithering.

Back in 2020 I met my goal of making 12 zines, the digital versions of which remain available (as giant high-res images) when you login on the website:

  • Gutsy: "where intuition meets action; on confidence and agency and risk and playing the damn game for all it's worth, playing by the real rules not the written ones"
  • Smoochtown: "think Beetlejuice on Valentine's Day 😘😏 the titillation of schlock, sentiment and absurdity, cheese! sleaze! all that good stuff!"
  • Dispatches from Delirium: "Your companion, that dear provocateur, the Other. What do they think of you? What do you think of them? How titillating, the space between you, the space that constitutes the World. All three, constantly in relationship."
  • Clandestine Motives + earlier prelude: "Joy in secret and the joy of secrets; hidden sanctuary and the horror of its exposure; cards held close to the chest for reasons that are nobody else's business, but here take a peek anyway πŸ‘€"
  • Adornment + earlier prelude: "to adorn is to prettify, to fripperize, to festoon with blooms β€” to honor aesthetically!"
  • Before the Garden: "Here's what happened to Plumule before she ended up in Wanderverse."
  • In Which We Must Agree to Disagree (free / open access): "Surely we can all get along! Right?"
  • Encounters with a Siren + outtakes: "A zine about the irresistible singer of the sea and the destruction she wreaks in the hearts of men."
  • Existential Detritus: "Among the scraps, the bits and pieces, any fate is an option!!!"
  • Bad Thoughts (free / open access): "Versailles of the mind, decadent echoes of mirrors murmuring without end. Mirrors murmuring and murmuring and murmuring back and forth to each other."
  • Rabbit Rites: Ceremony, Pilgrimage, and Sanctuary (a trio): "but the rabbit flees (as rabbits do) / even when she's gone her scent will stir the mountaintops / and the shadow is drawn along behind her"

Total: 13, if you count the Rabbit Rites trio as three individual zines, which it is β€” a set of three.

Looking back I'm like, how on earth did I manage to publish a zine almost every month? I suppose the answer is that from May 2020 β€” May 2021 I didn't have a day job... a 9-5, the ol' ball and chain.* Also for a great deal of that timespan I barely left my house. 2020 was weird!

*My job is great, but obviously it takes time and energy. And yes, I am disappointed that my stab at professional independence didn't work out β€” but I'll try again when I get another chance, I'm in this shit for the long haul. A setback is never the final verdict! Now visualize one of those bro motivation Instagram meme pages.

It's okay. I am learning a lot at Hedgehog and the experience will serve the mission in the long run. The mission: y'know, I'm still honing the elevator pitch, I'll get back to you on that πŸ˜…

By contrast to 2020's retrospectively stupendous productivity, in 2021 I managed to create...

I am mildly appalled that I didn't create a single full zine in 2021. And I cringe mightily to think of all the fizzled ideas and drafts along the way. Lacking in mojo this year. Or am I being too hard on myself? How can I tell, ugh.

On the bright side, some good things of note:

I don't need you to change [your mind or anything else] for me to be happy and satisfied. Well, tbh I'm never satisfied, but nonetheless I'm at peace ☺️ Acceptance is wonderfully transformative.

How about "grumpily at peace," is that a thing?

In 2022 I want to stretch and exercise regularly, read books more, and write more. These are all actionable intentions... ones that I've struggled to act on since like middle school 😭 As long as I can remember making resolutions, certainly. Yet I still keep plugging away at my aspirations. I do.

I want to make people feel how my favorite songs and novels make me feel. That's a really fucking tall order and I'm afraid that I won't be able to live up to it.

Β―\_(ツ)_/Β― I never live up to my ambitions fully. That's okay too. When I strive with a true heart, grace redeems me.

Circling back...

What to do about / with Sonya Supposedly membership, AKA monthly happy mail, the main perk that you pay for: I don't know yet. I'll keep you posted.

Happy New Year!

Header image: Coronation of Alexander II, Moscow, September 17, 1856: Fireworks Display before the Cadets' Building by Achille-Isidore Gilbert, cropped. The combination of chaos and calm befits 2021.