Go into the arts

I'm older now but I still don't really know things
(Wish I could know things)

— "The Song" by Maisie Peters

I feel like a kid with gum in my hair
I feel like I did when my mom got scared
That the gum wouldn't come out
Had to shave my head down to the scalp
Should learn to keep my shit in my mouth

— "gum" by Devon Again

Hi. I didn't intend to write a newsletter today; I intended to do other things. But here I am! Often I don't know what's going to happen next. It happens anyway, and I discover by participating.

Recently-ish I was feeling sincere and sentimental, thanks to Higher. (The effect wore off, alas.) Most of what I made as a result was not particularly sophisticated but like, that's fine? Hey, we could pretend it was extra sophisticated by virtue of stripped-back simplicity 😉

This poem is called "mutual affirmations":

I believe in myself,
simply because I am myself

I want the best for me
I want the best for you too

I believe in us, together
I believe we can make something beautiful

I believe we can make everything beautiful,
simply by seeing it so

A simpatico "highku":

let's go higher
together please —
I can't bear to
go alone when
companions
of such quality abound

I wrote five other highkus (since the last dispatch) which you can see here, here, here, here, and here if you're interested. Themes are optimism, hope, faith; "that for which you are looking." The poems are not all, uh, good — but whatever.

Besides that:

Enjoying work — I loved writing about Hypersub, for example.
My sweet friend Henry Zhu posted a conversation we had in October 2020 (!!) about "the paradoxical nature of faith, the generousity of God, the interplay bt obligation and grace, freedom within constraint," among other themes.

"Right Feeling," Hope in Source podcast 💖

Exercising more. Got my fitness level up enough that running is kinda fun again (kinda).
How the hell can I restart making music when I feel so guilty about using free time to do anything away from my toddler?

Especially since my husband is the SAHD and I'm the one always leaving to go type-type-type at a cafe. Especially since I've been dipping out to exercise, which admittedly doesn't take that long but boy is it heart-wrenching to hear my baby wail when I walk out the door, even though I know he gets over it like 30 seconds later. Especially since I'm completely depleted by the time my son is snoozing peacefully... between 9pm and 10pm. (I would put him to bed earlier if he would actually sleep earlier!)

And part of me is like, what's the point. I'm a 30-year-old suburban mom, 50 pounds overweight, with a marketing job. Nobody's gonna listen to my music. I missed the boat, I wasn't passionate and driven enough when I was young and cute and had lots of free time. Am I driven enough now? Am I really gonna gather the resolve and make it happen, just to remain irrelevant? Wouldn't it be easier to simply... not? Keep using my son's weekend naps to simply veg out and maybe do dishes...

But that's wrong. The whole mindset is wrong. For one thing, 30 is young and I am cute (though old and haggard wouldn't be dealbreakers either). And I don't actually want to be a mainstream starlet; I would hate fame. Of course, I do want people to listen to my songs — I yell into the void to provoke the void to yell back — but creation is still its own reward, the only one that is guaranteed.

I love being a mother, but I don't love only being a mother. AKA the most cliché new mom quandary ever. Well... like I always say, clichés get that way for a reason.

In conclusion: